About Me

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cypress, ca, United States
Hi my name is Jennifer I am ShawnnBears mom. ShawnBear was born with HLHS.We chose the 3 stage surgery. Shawn had his Norwood open heart surgery on January 3rd 2008 and came home on the 19th . He was doing well until about three months old when they decided to do the Glenn early at 3months because of low oxagen sats. When Shawn came back for surgery he was ok for about 3 hours then he came very close to leaving us. He was rushed back to the O.R. and came back in stable condition. Despite that stepback we were sent home about a week later. Shawn was sent home on oxagen because his sats were still in the low 70's. cardio doc said that we should concider another open heart sugery to repair this. Shawn had his reconstuction of the tricuspid valve at CHLA by Dr Vaugh Starnes.December 2009 shawnBear had a pacemaker placed due to low heart rate while sleeping. Shawn has been long but he smiled all the way through. By looking at my amazing boy you would not know that he was born with only half a heart and had 4 open heart surgerys . I have learned a lot from Shawn but the most important thing is not to take life for granted. Enjoy every moment

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I love you Bear

Missing my boy so much . Wish he was still here to hold and love on. I miss his kisses

Friday, September 28, 2012

One day at a time

It's been awhile since I have wrote anything . Struggling with a lot lately and being pregnant at the same time is tough. I'm under a lot of stress with work and home but keeping it together for the most part. Just really sad most of the time.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A long Day

Well I have been  a moving and trucking around today. Woke up and took my In Laws to the Airport as they are off to Vegas to Celebrate Joels Bday . I hope they have an awesome time, they deserve it . After that I went to see my ShawnBear . I miss him so much and I love being there with him even though I know his spirt is not there and he is in Heaven that is my little Safe Haven that I have no worries when I am visiting I feel  so whole . I miss my ShawnBear so much . I want him back so badly. After that I went and got my hair highlighted and a trim so I can look nice for my first day of work on Monday. I am excited and scared at the same time . It will keep me bizy and get me outta bed because I have trouble doing that on a day to day basis. So I hope this is a step in the right direction . I really hope it is . After that I came home and dyed Julias Hair pink for her . Shes been bugging forever and I finally got the color for her . I also found out today that my brother who is about to have a baby in a month just lost his job. I am so worried about him and I m sure he is super stressed out . Especially now with a wife and baby about to be here . I m worried about them. I hope everything works out . I am keeping them in my prayers . Now Im just laying in bed hoping that I fall asleep fairly early cuz I am exausted . I love you ShawnBear for always and forever .

First Day at the New Job

WELL TODAY I STARTED WORK FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE MY SHAWNBEAR HAS PASSED AWAY . IT WAS JUST ORIENTATION BUT IT WAS SO DRAINING BEING IN A ROOM LISTEN TO SOMEONE TALK AND WATCH VIDEOS ALL DAY LONG . SO BORING . IM AM HAPPY AND GRATEFULL THAT I HAVE THIS JOB I REALLY NEED IT AND IT WILL HELP OUT ALOT . I BELIEVE THAT IT WILL HELP ME WITH MY GRIEVING . I TEND TO HAVE TO HAVE A REASON TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE A GOOD REASON . MOST OF THE TIME I WILL MAKE EXCUSES WHY I DONT WANNA GO OUT OR DONT NEED TO DO SOMETHING . SO THERE IS SOMETHING GOOD TO COME OUT OF THIS . I MISS MY BABY SO MUCH AND I KNOW I NEED TO START LIVING AGAIN BUT DEEP DOWN INSIDE I DONT WANT TO . I JUST WANNA LAY HERE IN MY BED AND DO NOTHING. I ALWAYS LIKED BEING AROUND PEOPLE SO I AM HOPING THIS IS A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. SO IT WAS A GOOD DAY I HAVE A LOT OF DEPRESSION INSIDE BUT I HIDE IT WELL. I JUST FEEL LIKE ALL I WANT IN LIFE I CANT HAVE AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO REACH OUT AND GRAB IT NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY. THINGS CHANGE PEOPLE CHANGE AND ME I JUST STAND STILL . RELIVING EVERYDAY WONDERING IF I WILL EVER WAKE UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE I CALL MY LIFE . SO MANY THINGS I WANTED AND NEW THINGS I WANT AND WANT TO DO BUT DO I HAVE THE ENERGY TO DO THEM THAT IS THE QUESTION. ONLY TIME CAN TELL I SUPPOSE . I MISS YOU BEAR FOREVER AND ALWAYS. XOXO MOMMY

Monday, July 11, 2011

ve any of it .
out. I wish I could b who I was before and I could just have my baby back . I'm not liking the new me so much these days :-(. I want so much n I can't ha
my husband does to but it seems to me as though we r not connecting as much anymore. And I know we all grieve differently so I hope it all works it self
Having a rough day today for some reason. I'm at the cemetary posting from my phone. I just feel so alone in my grief and I miss my baby so much. I know

Friday, July 8, 2011

The Beach Today??

Well woke up really late this afternoon and I am kinda in a funk my back hurts. We talked about going to the beach last night but not sure that were going yet. HOpefully getting out of the house is always good. When I get out I seem to be ok sometimes. Anyhow I read some of my non profit book last nite and it has lots of good information . I need to get ahold of some people at CHOC next to find out about donations and see what I need to do . Hopefully they will let me be a part of handing them out to children
I really think this is a great idea and I really am excited to help other familys in the hospital. Well short post today but I will update again soon .

Thursday, July 7, 2011

ShawnBears Heart

I have decided to give back to children inthe Hospital and Familys that go through this. My son was an inspriration to me and I want to be a part of helping others. If it had not been for CHOC and all the great things they did for my son and our family. Things could of been a lot worse . A friend from my grieving group responded when I asked How I could keep Shawn Bears memory alive in giving back. Her response was perfect she said you should do a Teddy Bear DRive and when you have all the Bears have a special ribbon put on them that Says "ShawnBear" A friend for life . That is perfect but I also want to help in other ways to. I have picked the name now I have to figure out how to start up all this filing for the name to be permanant and doing what paperwork you need for a nonprofit bizness. I have a focus and something to keeep me a little bizy hopefully a lot bizy in the future. I love you ShawnBear forever and always . xoxoxo Mommy