Some thoughts on my mind

Here comes the first holiday of 4th of July that I have to celebrate without my ShawnBear. To me now holidays are pointless if you cant spend them with the ones you love and Love ShawnBear more than I love my self . He was a part of me and when he died a part of me died with him. I know Im still here and I am broken . When is my time ? When do I get to see my beautiful baby again ? When will god call me home. I know the God and ShawnBear would want me to be happy but when you loose a child your whole world changes . Its like life stops and you dont know how to start again. I miss him so much. I am so broken inside I dont know what to do. He was my everything . My baby and now hes gone . I love and miss him so much. I have read books and talked with other moms and they say the pain never goes away but it does get esiar . I cant see that yet but I hope in time I will find my way. My life is falling apart and I am trying so hard to keep it together . Everyone has moved on and they ask me how I am or tell me how strong I  am . If I told them the truth they would probbably lock me up in a mental hospital. So this past week has been for some reason extremly hard on me . Numbness is gone and reality is here . I dont want it . I think numbness was better in a fog not beliving . hOping that he was just going to come home even though he is gone . I miss him so much and I dont know what to do to make things better or even manageable. I do have good days but those days are filled with quilt because I want him here to enjoy them with me .

Love you ShawnBear xoxoxo Mommy  Happy fourth of July my Bear U are Truely missed

Normal I think not

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life. Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.








Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.







Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.







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Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart. Normal is no matter how many or by what means we have children, there will always be one missing.







Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".







Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.







Normal is making sure that others remember my baby. Normal is I will celebrate my child’s birth and mourn the death all on the same day.







Normal is r, everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.







Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.







Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having your child die is unnatural.







Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.







Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone because you are stricken with grief over the loss of your child.







Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.







Normal is some days being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.











Normal is avoiding friends who have been friends for years because the site of them and their children tears my heart in two and reminds me again of what I lost.







Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.







Normal is finding excuses not to go to baby showers and birthday parties because you don't want your loss and sadness to overshadow anyone’s special day.







Normal is having to bite your tongue when people say stupid things because you know they mean no harm, they are just ignorant.







Normal is being avoided by people who know because they are uncomfortable talking about it. Normal is I NEED to talk about it. Normal is everyday finding the strength to get out of bed and go on living even though there are days you feel like you can't. Normal is when you do get out of bed you realize that today is one day closer to seeing my baby again. Normal is knowing that 80% of relationships will not survive the loss of a child and wondering if you will beat the odds.







Normal is blaming yourself and wondering if others blame you too.











Normal is I wouldn't give back my 3 years I shared with my child because sometimes love is so great that saying hello and goodbye in the same moment is worth it.







Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.







And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

I love you and miss you Shawn Bear forever and always . YOu will never be forgotten. Love mommy xoxo

5 Months today

Today marks the day that my  ShawnBear went into Cardiac Arrest .  They were able to revive him after 45 min but two days later he passed to multy system organ failure amoung other things we do not know . All of those unexplained things drive me crazy. I want to know why this happen when he was doing so well . I keep asking myself what could I have done . Why didnt I see this even though his cardio Dr said he was doing so well. I blame my self more than anyone else. Im his mom and I should of known. I had a feeling he wasnt feeling well but this was so outta the blue. In 2 days it will be 5 months since I lost my Shawn and although it seems like eternity it also feels like yesterday. I miss him so much and blame myself for so many things. When I think about him and the time we have I dont understand why the bad memories of me telling him no . Or stay here with Daddy while I go to the store overpower the good memories we had the few 3 years he was here with us . I felt like I was taking steps forward and feeling a little better lately but today I have not gotten out of bed . I miss him so much . I just want him back and I will not have any answers until I get to heaven my self. I am in a dark place today and just want to fall off the face of this earth right now . Yes I am venting I cant do it on facebook because then my kids will see it and they think I want to kill my self and thats not the case I just have trouble on some days coping with my loss Such a tragedy. I miss you bear