A long Day

Well I have been  a moving and trucking around today. Woke up and took my In Laws to the Airport as they are off to Vegas to Celebrate Joels Bday . I hope they have an awesome time, they deserve it . After that I went to see my ShawnBear . I miss him so much and I love being there with him even though I know his spirt is not there and he is in Heaven that is my little Safe Haven that I have no worries when I am visiting I feel  so whole . I miss my ShawnBear so much . I want him back so badly. After that I went and got my hair highlighted and a trim so I can look nice for my first day of work on Monday. I am excited and scared at the same time . It will keep me bizy and get me outta bed because I have trouble doing that on a day to day basis. So I hope this is a step in the right direction . I really hope it is . After that I came home and dyed Julias Hair pink for her . Shes been bugging forever and I finally got the color for her . I also found out today that my brother who is about to have a baby in a month just lost his job. I am so worried about him and I m sure he is super stressed out . Especially now with a wife and baby about to be here . I m worried about them. I hope everything works out . I am keeping them in my prayers . Now Im just laying in bed hoping that I fall asleep fairly early cuz I am exausted . I love you ShawnBear for always and forever .

First Day at the New Job

WELL TODAY I STARTED WORK FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE MY SHAWNBEAR HAS PASSED AWAY . IT WAS JUST ORIENTATION BUT IT WAS SO DRAINING BEING IN A ROOM LISTEN TO SOMEONE TALK AND WATCH VIDEOS ALL DAY LONG . SO BORING . IM AM HAPPY AND GRATEFULL THAT I HAVE THIS JOB I REALLY NEED IT AND IT WILL HELP OUT ALOT . I BELIEVE THAT IT WILL HELP ME WITH MY GRIEVING . I TEND TO HAVE TO HAVE A REASON TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE A GOOD REASON . MOST OF THE TIME I WILL MAKE EXCUSES WHY I DONT WANNA GO OUT OR DONT NEED TO DO SOMETHING . SO THERE IS SOMETHING GOOD TO COME OUT OF THIS . I MISS MY BABY SO MUCH AND I KNOW I NEED TO START LIVING AGAIN BUT DEEP DOWN INSIDE I DONT WANT TO . I JUST WANNA LAY HERE IN MY BED AND DO NOTHING. I ALWAYS LIKED BEING AROUND PEOPLE SO I AM HOPING THIS IS A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. SO IT WAS A GOOD DAY I HAVE A LOT OF DEPRESSION INSIDE BUT I HIDE IT WELL. I JUST FEEL LIKE ALL I WANT IN LIFE I CANT HAVE AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO REACH OUT AND GRAB IT NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY. THINGS CHANGE PEOPLE CHANGE AND ME I JUST STAND STILL . RELIVING EVERYDAY WONDERING IF I WILL EVER WAKE UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE I CALL MY LIFE . SO MANY THINGS I WANTED AND NEW THINGS I WANT AND WANT TO DO BUT DO I HAVE THE ENERGY TO DO THEM THAT IS THE QUESTION. ONLY TIME CAN TELL I SUPPOSE . I MISS YOU BEAR FOREVER AND ALWAYS. XOXO MOMMY

ve any of it .

out. I wish I could b who I was before and I could just have my baby back . I'm not liking the new me so much these days :-(. I want so much n I can't ha

my husband does to but it seems to me as though we r not connecting as much anymore. And I know we all grieve differently so I hope it all works it self

Having a rough day today for some reason. I'm at the cemetary posting from my phone. I just feel so alone in my grief and I miss my baby so much. I know