Normal I think not

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life. Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.








Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.







Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.







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Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart. Normal is no matter how many or by what means we have children, there will always be one missing.







Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".







Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.







Normal is making sure that others remember my baby. Normal is I will celebrate my child’s birth and mourn the death all on the same day.







Normal is r, everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.







Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.







Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having your child die is unnatural.







Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.







Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone because you are stricken with grief over the loss of your child.







Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.







Normal is some days being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.











Normal is avoiding friends who have been friends for years because the site of them and their children tears my heart in two and reminds me again of what I lost.







Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.







Normal is finding excuses not to go to baby showers and birthday parties because you don't want your loss and sadness to overshadow anyone’s special day.







Normal is having to bite your tongue when people say stupid things because you know they mean no harm, they are just ignorant.







Normal is being avoided by people who know because they are uncomfortable talking about it. Normal is I NEED to talk about it. Normal is everyday finding the strength to get out of bed and go on living even though there are days you feel like you can't. Normal is when you do get out of bed you realize that today is one day closer to seeing my baby again. Normal is knowing that 80% of relationships will not survive the loss of a child and wondering if you will beat the odds.







Normal is blaming yourself and wondering if others blame you too.











Normal is I wouldn't give back my 3 years I shared with my child because sometimes love is so great that saying hello and goodbye in the same moment is worth it.







Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.







And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

I love you and miss you Shawn Bear forever and always . YOu will never be forgotten. Love mommy xoxo

5 Months today

Today marks the day that my  ShawnBear went into Cardiac Arrest .  They were able to revive him after 45 min but two days later he passed to multy system organ failure amoung other things we do not know . All of those unexplained things drive me crazy. I want to know why this happen when he was doing so well . I keep asking myself what could I have done . Why didnt I see this even though his cardio Dr said he was doing so well. I blame my self more than anyone else. Im his mom and I should of known. I had a feeling he wasnt feeling well but this was so outta the blue. In 2 days it will be 5 months since I lost my Shawn and although it seems like eternity it also feels like yesterday. I miss him so much and blame myself for so many things. When I think about him and the time we have I dont understand why the bad memories of me telling him no . Or stay here with Daddy while I go to the store overpower the good memories we had the few 3 years he was here with us . I felt like I was taking steps forward and feeling a little better lately but today I have not gotten out of bed . I miss him so much . I just want him back and I will not have any answers until I get to heaven my self. I am in a dark place today and just want to fall off the face of this earth right now . Yes I am venting I cant do it on facebook because then my kids will see it and they think I want to kill my self and thats not the case I just have trouble on some days coping with my loss Such a tragedy. I miss you bear

get out of bed . I know the pain will never stop . I want him back now please :...(

Just visited my Shawnbear at the cemetary . I miss him so much. I have visited everyday since he has passed with the exception of 3 days when I couldn't

I miss my bear

I miss my ShawnBear

In just a few days it will be 5 months since I lost my precious baby boy. Yesterday my son Daniel came home from Washington, where he has been living since shortly after Shawn was born . Now I have my older son home and my house should feel complete but it is still so emty. It always will be without my ShawnBear all these feelings are so overwhelming again . I know life will never be the same without him and I still cant figure out how to live without him I miss him so much. I just want to lay and be curled up in my bed all day every day. I know I have other children who need me and I have neglected them in regard to there feelings and how I should be with them . yOu think I would love and embrace them more but I am just upset that I dont have my baby. I want him back and thats the bottom line. I have never in my life felt such horrible pain. I am going to try and blog here everyday so I can track my progress and hopefully get some help from other that have been down this road.

Shawn Sellers passed away Jan 29th 2011

I am still at a loss for words. I miss my ShawnBear so much. Shawn went into cardiac arrest on Jan 27th at home. The total down time for Shawn was 45 min. So the Drs and nurses were not hopeful that Shawn would make a recovery from this. Due to the lack of CPR administered and the neglagence of the EMT's who responded stopped CPR because they picked up a Rythem from his pacemaker and we told tthem multiple times he has a Pace Maker. Shawn passed 2 days later at  Childrens Hospital due to complications from his arrest =((((. I still cant believe he is gone and at most times dont know what to do with myself. I love you ShawnBear Forever and for Always.

shawn at Sea World San Diego

Shawns doing well. I havent posted in a while because things have been uneventful, which isnt such a bad thing . Thhis is a picture of Shawn with his older brother Daniel

Shawns Pacemaker Surgery

Shawn has made it through his pacemaker surgery and is doing excellent. This surgery was a little tougher on him being 2 years old just a few days ago so he was more aware of what was going on and he just wanted to go home. But he is now 2 weeks post op and getting back to his normal little spoiled self. Finally sleeping through the night without waking up crying and that is a relief for mom and dad. Shawn also had a great christmas.

Pacemaker Update

Shawn is doing well. We have had several cardio visits and a few holter monitors since my last post. Not to mention a stay a CHOC for a few days in the CVICU. The month after Shawns last RSV shot he got it. We had been battling colds all winter and didnt get RSV then when we think the coast is clear BANG. He tested postative for it =(. So we got to see alot of the nurses that havent seen Shawn since he was 3 months old, because our last surgery was at CHLA. It was nice to see them I just wish it would of been on better circumstances. During that hospitalization they decided to put him on a heart medication called Amioderone to try and help with his rythem issue. Well he was on it for a month and a half and they did another Holter monitor and cardio Dr said there were no changes so they took him off that med and will repeat the Holter in one month. So that is where we are at for now and Shawn is still his jolly ol self. Cranky on some days and draging like he is so tired some of the time, but mostly just being a kid. I will update again soon.